


To Be Worthy

by FelicityGS



Series: Poetry Verse [4]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Death, Guilt, M/M, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-18
Updated: 2014-10-18
Packaged: 2018-02-21 15:40:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2473565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FelicityGS/pseuds/FelicityGS
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You honestly think that <em>arts and crafts</em> can absolve hundreds of lives lost?”</p><p>“No. But it could be a start. We don’t magically feel not-guilty; we work towards it.”</p><p>“Hmph.”</p><p>(Loki does not believe in redemption or guilt or therapy but he keeps finding that does not make them less real (except redemption--he still has not seen proof that actually exists))</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Be Worthy

**Author's Note:**

> So here's how this is going to go.
> 
> I've got a few fics written for Poetry Verse. I also am willing to admit that I have no idea when or if I can finish Interludes, as the current arc has so much triggering for me content that I keep having fuck ups with my mental stability re: my bipolar. 
> 
> But I would like you to see some of the stuff I'd planned, eventually, covering. So that's what we're doing. 
> 
> And if things work out--if I manage to get a stable job and a stable home and stop freaking out about culture shock (I've been homeless in Europe since July, and November I'm moving to South Korea to teach)--I will seriously consider trying to finish Interludes and filling in the rest of the blanks. 
> 
> But I can't promise that right now. I can't put my mental health at risk right now; there's enough stress on it without a hobby to fuck it up too.
> 
>  _This_ fic takes place at some point after Loki starts therapy and spans through the break-up between them, ending prior the current arc. There's a line about Thor; that was likely going to be cut at one point or another, but as-is I'm posting these in their 'pre worked into verse canon' state.

Loki hates therapy.

Loki loves Steve.

Loki loves Steve more than he hates therapy, which is why he goes (for now)(only until Steve is satisfied).

But it does not change that he hates therapy.

“I do not feel _guilty_ ,” he sneers, trying (failing) to keep his voice even.

“Is that true, though? Or is it because you don’t think you should be allowed to feel guilty since you are meant to be a monster?”

Loki particularly hates Janelle. He is certain she was created solely to torment him. It is absolutely disgusting how calm she stays and how very little of herself she gives away (how much of _him_ she sees through).

“I am a god and prince.” He snaps his mouth shut, teeth clicking painfully. (once god)(once prince)

“And monster,” Janelle adds, voice deceptively soothing (as if he is some sort of skittish horse)(oh how he _hates_ her).

“I was feeling maudlin that day, you mustn’t trust everything I say. Lie-smith,” he fires back, managing to sound disinterested and waving a hand dismissively.

“Loki,” and he does _not_ flinch at a voice not-Steve’s saying his actual name, “even your best lies have truth in them.”

Loki tries silence.

“I understand you sometimes think yourself a monster and not-worthwhile. Even if you _are_ those things, that does not mean you aren’t allowed guilt. It’s a perfectly natural response, just like wanting to destroy things is. If anything, it shows you aren’t so lost a cause as you seem to think.”

“Sentimental drivel,” he mutters, smoothing out wrinkles ( _not_ a nervous tic, he just doesn’t like wrinkles), sprawling further in his chair and slouching.

“Very likely. Us silly mortals tend to go for that.” Janelle is smiling and it’s not fair she has such a nice smile (it reminds him of mother's). “In any case, sometimes if we apply our guilt to a project, something _not_ self-harming, it can make it easier to bear.”

“You honestly think that _arts and crafts_ can absolve hundreds of lives lost?”

“No. But it could be a start. We don’t magically feel not-guilty; we work towards it.”

“Hmph.”

(Loki does not believe in redemption or guilt or therapy but he keeps finding that does not make them less real (except redemption--he still has not seen proof that actually exists))

“How have you been feeling since we changed your dosages?”

(Loki (secretly) loves Janelle because she always knows exactly the moment to switch topics before his irritation blooms into something violent (at least since that first incident))

“Better,” he admits after a moment. “Truly.”

She smiles.

They don’t return to the topic of guilt again or how to handle it, but Loki finds he cannot shake the discussion. If he has to wonder if he feels guilty (yes) does that make it less genuine, less real guilt and more guilt for not feeling guilty? (He’s never needed to explore this) Does he only feel guilty because of Steve? (no) Does he regret (yes) what he did, the mortals who died because of him? (he thinks of picnics and ice cream and carnivals, music and Shakespeare and novels, of all the potentials he has destroyed)

“What could I possibly give these people? Money is too callous and puts price to the priceless. I have nothing else--I am no god, able to bestow wishes, no immortal to suffer long enough in recompense.”

Janelle does not even ask what he’s talking about even though it’s been weeks since they last spoke on the topic. (He admires that about her as well, that she keeps up so well, and he is (mostly) certain she doesn’t even keep cheat sheets of what they’ve discussed weeks ago)

“No self-harm, remember?”

“Yes.” (It comes out far more wistful than he likes)

“Good, now what have we discussed about your talents? Do you have your list with you?”

Loki scowls at her (he _despises_ this woman).

“No,” he says (not petulant, _disdainful_. Yes)

Janelle gives him a Look. He lifts his chin and stares back _disdainfully_ at her.

“Well, when you go home I want you to look at it. Then I want you to figure out how to use something on it to make a gift. Or a project. Something to work at.” She softens. “You don’t have to suffer or save lives to make reparations, Loki.” (He doesn’t even flinch when she addresses him by name now.)

Janelle has no way of knowing if Loki looks at the list (especially not now he and Steve are apart). Nevertheless, Loki digs out the well-worn and over-folded paper when he gets home. It’s silly and sentimental: a few things in Janelle’s writing at the top (“witty, dark humour, skilled hands”), a few things in Loki’s (all throughout and added very slowly over a period of weeks (he’s meant to keep adding to it but he hasn’t for some time now—he can think of nothing else worthwhile about himself (and he hates that, part of why he hadn’t even had the list anyway))), and most things in Steve’s slightly messy scrawl (the other reason he has not been carrying it)(“thoughtful, kind, terrible cook,” on and on. Loki is not sure how being a terrible cook is an asset, but it makes him feel loved that Steve thinks it is).

He eyes the line about composing and thinks.

The nice thing about life here is how _easy_ information is to come by.

It is not much of an idea; Loki doubts he will feel better, doubts it will have any impact on the survivors of his... his... anger (tantrum), but he decides to try just once (it has nothing to do with feeling some need to relieve guilt, with suddenly questioning his own worth for Steve now they are together again).

He begins with Amelia Atwater.

It takes a little work, not surprising, but he eventually manages to get in touch with her family (a sister and a father, mother deceased years ago) and explains what he would like to do. He does not tell them why or who he is. He makes clear the gift will be theirs and theirs alone, and he does not wish this to be a public affair. They take a month and two weeks to decide.

(He would like to say he hardly notices the wait (he feels sick and irritable and impatient. He wants to break things and instead settles for jumping Steve and fucking him senseless (to Steve’s utter confusion). See, Loki wants to say, progress. (Then he proceeds to throw his favourite mug (from Thor, a stupid sentimental thing that says _#1 Brother_ (but that does not make it less his favourite; secretly, it is _exactly_ what makes it his favourite)) and it shatters across the wall and he’s left sick with rage and despair and _too much_ emotion)))

It takes nearly a month. A month of listening to friends and family tell him who Amelia was, voices pausing and choked over the phone, over coffee. Loki sits through the... guilt (no point in lying), too nauseous to eat or drink. He fills a binder with printed emails and hand-written letters, photographs and video stills of a girl’s smile and a girl’s sadness and a girl’s _life_. All of that, then, finally, he composes.

For Amelia, he picks the viola.

Three months after he first approached her family, Loki finally delivers them a song, sheet music and recording, that is as close to their memory of Amelia Atwater that he can get without magic.

For the first time in a month and three weeks, he sits alone, not working, and stares at the closed binder on his desk. This does not feel better. This does not feel like redemption or absolution or even _enough_.

This feels sick and dark, twisting in his chest.

The Atwaters call him the next day, crying and bittersweet thanks on their lips.

“Loki?”

Loki blinks, looking away from the phone in his hand.

“You okay? Who was that?” Concerned blue eyes study him.

(For the first time, he feels... not worthy, but like he might one day _be_ worthy of concern)

“Nothing. Nothing. Client, a commission.” Loki tries to smile. Steve only frowns at the falsity, so Loki allows it to slip and, instead (knowing how physical Steve is) leans against his lover’s shoulder. Steve pauses as if he might say something else, then lets it go, leans against Loki. Their hands twine together.

Later, Loki buys another binder. In the front pocket, he places a list.

By Amelia’s name, he marks an X.


End file.
